Saturday, April 18, 2009

A Pile Of Stinking Maws

Today I spent eight hours sitting four feet from this pile of gaping maws - faceless CPR dummies frozen mid-scream. (Just now getting around to that pesky Red Cross certification requirement for the Brownie Troop I've led for the past three years. Ooops.)

So I've been seriously dreading today. There is absolutely nothing I hate more than being trapped in a classroom with some pedantic gasbag. But I was kind of delighted when I walked in and was met with this pile of astonishingly horrific faceless dummies. And then I got a booklet with lots of really grotesque photos in it! But the highlight was when we got to pick our guy from the stack; we each hauled over our chosen and made a circle on the floor while the instructor produced a giant metal bowl and said, "Take one each from the face and lung bowl," with the casual indifference only one who uses the phrase "face and lung bowl" daily could have.

Things I learned:
* If you drink one box of pectin dissolved in water or juice each day for six days you will not get poison oak for six months.
* A person will always throw up while having CPR performed on them, even if they don't become conscious. This is not "sometimes" or "often" but always. They don't show that on TV.
* I have an aversion to avulsions.
* Always put a severed part in milk, not on ice.
* Give a hypothermia victim a thermos of hot chocolate with a stick of butter in it.
* Some people need to let everyone in class know about the most intimate details of their medical history.
* I could not work with the public at large.

BONUS - While I was with a pile of the unconsecrated, my son learned to ride a bike! Check out this link for his victory over physics.

Double Bonus - More maws.

13 comments:

Katie said...

I have laughed out loud in bed at 6 a.m. at least three times while looking at this and reading this. AND I can just picture you walking in and cracking up and then standing there in front of all of your fellow classmates and taking pictures of it!!!!!!!

Milk, for a severed part, huh? weird.

And throw up after CPR? REALLY??

This is going down on my list of Christy's funniest posts!

Have a great day!

K

Kimberly Derting said...

My favorite is that one person needs to reveal their intimate medical history. There's always "that person", isn't there? (Was it you?)

Jennie Englund said...

I don't know how you did it. I thought of you all day yesterday. Ugh.

Next time, do that drive-thru re-cert I told you about. For sure.

PurpleClover said...

buwahahahahaha!

Christy Raedeke said...

Katie - You nailed it, I saw the pile and stood in front of it like it was the eighth wonder of the world. No one could figure out why I was taking so many photos of the creepy men, but I have never been so grateful for my crappy phone camera!

Kim - No, I'm not the "sharer" of medical history. The guy would not shut up! He even related the story of "evacuating his bowels" when he fainted once. I'm like really? You're really gonna share that?

Jenni - Next time, drive thru re-cert fo sho.

Purple - You probably get to see super amazingly gross things every day at school! Lucky you!

Anonymous said...

I'm laughing so hard I have tears streaming down my face. I never looked at first aid cert. with a point of view like yours. Life must be hilarious through your eyes. Congrats to hank for learning to ride a bike.
CAM

Hardygirl said...

OMG!! Next time, call me. I'll be on the next plane out.

And, I'm totally with you. The "public at large" (i.e. the people you see walking around Wal Mart the day after an ice storm) frighten me more than that horrific stack of shrieking CPR dummies.

You know what else? Those people who love to share their medical histories . . . they are especially active when there is a pregnant person around. I heard some particularly graphic bowel expulsion stories when I was pregnant. Did I look like I needed to hear about that??? Really?

sf

Christy Raedeke said...

SF - You, being the photographer of the best picture ever taken (eerie barbie head), would have fully appreciated this display. I only wish I had taken a photo of the bowl of faces and lungs...

Little Ms J said...

I'm going to start bringing sticks of butter and hot chocolate packets in my pockets with me for possible hypothermia when I head up to my ski condo. You never know when someone could fall in a lake or there's an avalanche. Now, where I'm going to find hot water..? Maybe the avalanche will happen next to the lodge. Yes, I'm prepared. Thanks Christy!

P.S. They did give you something to put over your mouth before you had to suck face with those things, right?

Christy Raedeke said...

Really, when is a stick of butter *not* useful?

And yes, we got a dental dam kind of thing for sterility and the removable faces had just come out of the dishwasher. (That is one sentence I never thought I'd write!)

Anonymous said...

This is really gross. There is something so dead fish, so soylent green about this photo . . . I'm surprised you are not having post-traumatic stress disorder.

I do have to say, hypothermia almost sounds appealing, what with all the butter and chocolate. And, I will definately stash that milk vs. ice info for later usage. I feel like I am almost guaranteed digit severance or something, with what passes for every day around here.

Go Hank!!!!!!--Marcia

Katie said...

I'm back for more. This is so sick. Please include this photo in your memoir :-)

KLo said...

Learning often takes place at the most unexpected times : ) That picture is priceless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!