The Honest Answers To Freaky Questions

You guys outdid yourselves! We need to publish one of those question books you whip out at parties - I got some great questions. Purple Clover, you're en fuego! Here are your random questions and my answers:

Did you really write your own query letter and how much help did you get if you did? I hate query letters. I went the conference route instead so that I could just write an email saying, “Here’s the manuscript you requested.” I spent a lot of time and money to avoid the dreaded query! Seriously, though, I do believe it’s far easier to toss a query in the trash from someone you’ve never met than reject someone you’ve met and liked.

Who's writing style is your book most like? That’s really difficult to answer. Honestly, I’m stumped. I don’t feel my book is good enough to even compare to any published works. I’d LIKE to write like a combination of Anne Spollen and Jennifer Egan and Heman Hesse and John Steinbeck. I’d write a helluva book if I could stuff all those brains into mine. BTW, full disclosure here: I have been playing it cool but secretly freaking out that Anne Spollen reads my blog! If you haven’t read The Shape of Water you are seriously depriving yourself. I'm sorry I can't better answer that question.

Do you snore? Yes. But daintily.

When I say "Most embarrassing moment" what comes to mind? *Gross Alert* I was on my university ski racing team, which was a mix of the coolest kids on campus—we had the badass downhill racers on the Alpine team and the beautiful Norwegian exchange students on the Nordic team. We were in a big van, driving up to Mt. Hood for a race the next day. After dinner, someone bought chewing tobacco and passed it around and I thought I’d try a pinch. As the van started, I felt instantly sick. Projectile sick. So I opened the window and hurled. Because it was so cold, my dinner froze onto the van window behind me, much to the disgust of the skiers in the back. I think I got my best time ever that next day in an effort to vindicate myself, but I could have made the Olympic Team and there would have been no vindication for that.

What do you think of Stephanie Meyer's work really? Well, first off I’m not into vampires or angsty romance, so even without discussing her writing style I can say I don’t like the series based on content. She’s obviously a genius storyteller, and sometimes story trumps writing style.

Refer your new readers to the post about how you use psychics instead of psychologists. Yes, I highly recommend this—it’s much faster, easier and more enjoyable than therapy!

Thanks to a few major scientific breakthroughs and a contest, you have won a trip to any planet or astronomical object of your choice to spend up to two weeks. Where would you go beyond Earth? Time and distance will be no object in this fantasy trip of a lifetime. Oh, and why do you wish to go there? Oh, how I wish this was true! I would go right to the galactic center to see what’s really there…though it’s 26,000 light years away, so I may need some sort of time travel device or wormhole. From there I’d hit the Pleiades and Jupiter. I may never come back…

Who is your therapist and why are you seeing them? Are you crazy :) Well, since I sort of turned the tables in therapy and know way more about him than he knows about me, I’m going to have to plead patient-doctor confidentiality and not reveal his name. He was in Seattle, I went to see him about 13 years ago when I was going crazy from squandering my youth by working round the clock at Microsoft. And yes, I am still crazy.

If I stopped by unannounced, how would I find your house and what is the most extensive meal you could offer me at the drop of a hat? (pending you opened the door and let me in..buwahahaha) You would find my counters clean but my floor not vacuumed (impossible with the state of my carpal tunnel). The living room is trashed because my son doesn’t have school on Friday and the dining room table is covered with the 34 books we brought home from the library this week, ready to be parsed into Me/Juliet/Hank piles. As far as food, I could make you a Mediterranean sampler plate (kalamata olives, roasted peppers, hummus, babaganoush, good crackers), or offer you a variety of cereals, or make you an ice cream sundae. That is all. Oh, and I could make pretty much any cocktail you could dream up.

As a detective, you want to put away a vicious rapist, but a crucial piece of evidence is lacking. You can plant it. Do you? Excellent/Scary question! I would not plant it, mainly because I believe in karmic law. Plus I’d forever be afraid of the scumbag coming after me.

Due to some freaky coincidence two very dear friends are in need of a kidney and you are a match for both. How do you choose? I guess I’d go with who is sicker. If they are both equally ill, I’d do a 2 out of 3 coin flip so each of us would have to toss the coin.

Got any favorite brands of deodorant? Why, do I smell? Actually I’m the catch-all for men’s deodorant. My husband has sensitive pits so he’s always looking for the perfect deodorant. Most of the time he nixes ‘em and I end up with it, so I use man deodorant. TMI?

Would you ever have plastic surgery? If so, what would you choose first if it was free? Oh, man. I have so much I’d fix/nip/tuck if I were not such a baby about pain. But it’s not worth it to me, pain wise, to do any modifications. Even Botox freaks me out too much to take care of the “11” wrinkle above my nose. The farthest I’d go is microdermabrasion and laser to remove dark spots on my face, and even with that I’d probably have to be mildly sedated.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? I’m a cruncher so I’ll never know. I can’t even suck on a cough drop, have to crunch it up right away.

If you dropped the tootsie pop in the gutter and it was the last one and your child was screaming for it, would you let them eat it (all you have is a napkin to wipe it off...no water)? Um, yes. To bolster the immune system and all. Unless the gutter smelled like hobo pee.

You find a deceased author's unpub'd manuscript - the wife will stand to inherit half or all of the advance/royalties if you publish - do you publish giving her all the moolah or take it for yourself and give it a big rewrite thanking him in the credits for contributions to the idea? I’d be totally delighted to publish it and give the wife the money. I could never, ever take credit for work I didn’t do.

Your hubby receives a prestigious award (lets just say the Nobel) that is a once in a lifetime opportunity for him iand he wants you and the fam to go. You find out the publishing house wants to meet with you with a potential multi-million dollar negotiation for future works and movie options, in NYC at the same time. No reschedules - take it or leave it. Which do you choose? Hmm. I guess I’d go with the Nobel trip, figuring that if one publisher is offering that much another might offer something later…

What was the biggest lie you ever told? [Answer removed at the request of legal counsel.]