Friday, July 10, 2009

On Getting Flashed...

This is a photo of a dragonfly lighting on my daughter, Juliet. It happens all the time in the summer—dragonflies land on her hands, her arms, and even her head. Sometimes we have a hard time getting them off. It’s baffling. Come to think of it, whenever we go in butterfly gardens the butterflies land on her too.


What do you attract? I used to attract flashers.


My earliest memory of being flashed was when I was a kid, on a trip to southern California. I looked over and suddenly the passenger in the car nest to us on the freeway was flashing his junk at me. In college I’d be out for a morning run and and pow! a car door would open with a pantsless guy inside. Even in Europe I got the classic trench flash in a park in Provence. I’m not sure if it’s because I have the kind of face that really registers surprise, or if I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time a lot. It became part of my life.


Then one day I was bored at work and had a hankering to sew (now that’s bored!) so I pulled a sick day and headed to Sears to buy a sewing machine. This was right after college and I didn’t have any money but I had a Sears card with a huge limit, so anytime I needed/wanted anything it had to be from Sears. Klassy! So I walk out of the store with my new entry-level Singer and notice that a guy parked in a white BMW was staring at me and grinning like he knew me. I looked in at him and noticed he was wearing a suit jacket and tie but was missing his pants. And undies. That was the last straw for me; I smiled at him, put the machine in my car, and drove around the corner to call the cops.


Cops in Redmond, Washington don’t have much going on, so two cars arrived within seconds. One pulled up to me, the other to Jiggly McBits. Then they made me get in the police car and drive by to identify him, which really freaked me out. I thought reporting a flsaher was like calling about a dog that won’t stop barking or some other public nuisance, but no. Something about there being a preschool in that mall changed the rules about what he was doing. So I had to identify the guy and then later show up in court to testify. Like I had time for this? I was deep into a curtain project!


Anyway, that ended my run of flashers. Not sure if it was a late-eighties fad or if I flipped some magic switch, but I haven’t seen a flasher since. Not that I’m sorry. Any fetish that involves the unsuspecting is totally uncool with me.

13 comments:

Jennie Englund said...

Didn't Juliet attract a flasher a few months ago?

And you DO attract flashers, because I am, er, was one. Once. In high school. In front of a bunch of cops.

Gulp.

PJ Hoover said...

I've been flashed three times, twice in college, and the last one being a few months ago in the grocery store parking lot with my kids in the car. And this guy was doing WAY more than flashing. Ugh!

Holly Nicole Hoxter said...

When I worked at a law firm, I would arrive to work early sometimes and take a walk around the office park. One morning I spotted a man standing near the parking garage, shorts pulled down with a shirt over his head, grunting and touching himself. Scared the heck out of me. I thought about calling the cops but instead I just ran to work and talked about it all day long.

jberk said...

I just want to say thank you for choosing to illustrate this post with a photo of a dragonfly, for you could have gone in such a different direction ...

Also, just thanks for writing this because it is so weird/funny! Jiggly McBits! Also the line about being deep into a curtain project literally gave me the LOLz.

Christy Raedeke said...

Wow, lots of flasher stories! Apparently there are a lot of pervy guys out there. (And girls - ahem - Jennie.)

Berk, I'm glad you appreciate my restrain in not putting up the more obvious kind of photo for this post. So tempting! Especially with stuff like this out there:
http://badluckcity.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/nbc10_flasher.jpg

Katie said...

Oh, And yes this made me LOLz as Josh put it - especially Jiggly McBits!

Little Ms J said...

First, I am concerned about what is in the drinking water in your little town. Wasn't there recently a town flasher that made the news?

When I was young and really stupid I would get these phone calls from this guy that said he wanted to buy something I'd posted in the Penny Saver. He'd call to ask me questions and I just thought he was indecisive. Finally he started asking me dirty questions and I realized that he called me to get me to talk so he could touch his Jiggly McBits.

Guh-ross.

jberk said...

Ha! Nice flasher pic! I'm pretty sure that's my local NBC (Philly) station. So proud.

Cathy Gersich said...

The one and only time I saw a flasher was in Salem with you! You do attract them, you didn't even mention that one in your story.
Weird...
I'm glad Juliet attracts insects.

Christy Raedeke said...

I only vaguely rememeber that one - where in Salem were we?

Shelli said...

how did you go from light butterflies to flashing :) I attract owls and people who love drama

Cathy Gersich said...

I think we were at Ross or some other discount type store. Sleeze ball was in a white sedan. We went back to Dad's and he made us call and report it. We were just grossed out and laughing about it, but Dad was pissed.

Kristin said...

I now really want to write a story about someone who attracts butterflies/dragonflies.

I attract stalkers. Particularly creepy old men stalkers and/or boys that just hit puberty and are looking for someone slightly older on which to test their horniness.

It is not fun. I'd rather attract insects with iridescent wings.